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Boy Meets Girl
Those of you who read "So Innocent", this is basically the revamped version...I hope to get alot of feedback on this one, hopefully from the real elites on this site, cause I mean positive feedback is always good but I want more than "this was hot, keep droppin" I want tips on uppin my game, yknow?
Boy Meets Girl
{Hook}
Two lives taken by tha father divine
Torn apart, what was so closely intertwined
Tempted by sin, he just couldn't refrain
That's what happens when innocent souls are claimed
{Verse 1}
A boy met a girl that was oh-so-innocent
With eyes like jewels and hair like cinnamon
They began to write a story but never finished it
I guess they were a little bit busy just livin it
So just let me spit n' rip sum a tha sickest shit
About the sickest shit you ever witnessed kid
Just try to picture it, this chick was so perfect
An honorary scholar, damn proud to be a virgin
Straight A's in school, came home to part-time workin
Everything she did, done with dedication and fervence
An ordinary monotonous life like a servant
But the perfect distraction slithered in like a serpent
{Hook}
Two lives taken by tha father divine
Torn apart, what was so closely intertwined
Tempted by sin, he just couldn't refrain
That's what happens when innocent souls are claimed
{Verse 2}
Phase 2, this is the part where the male sex steps in
Cut open a strong bond like a fuckin C-Section
He decided sex was definitely the best sin
Guessin arrestin wouldn't happen, no confessions
Testin the fates, true love since the fuckin first date
Feelings developed early*, challenges were faced
Overcame every obstacle that came their** way
Stupid boy did everythang just to see her face
Over the years, their love's limits grew perpetual
Never once did she dream he'd try to make it sexual
The girl finally pledged true love, and it was right there
He had a dream that would be her fuckin nightmare
{Hook}
Two lives taken by tha father divine
Torn apart, what was so closely intertwined
Tempted by sin, he just couldn't refrain
That's what happens when innocent souls are claimed
{Verse 3}
An autobiography with two deceased authors
Now let me set it straight, this missus did things proper
Listened to her father when he told her "Stop ta***
think before you do somethin stupid that could foster
A new generation of kids who ain't complacent
And need somewhere to live better than open pavement"
She replied "Don't worry daddy, we gon be patient"
Smiled, addin "We waitin for the moment to make it"
The young man on the other hand was just more brazen
His mind was fucked up, stuck in the wrong situation
Parents who used abuse to get they expectations
That night, all alone, with an evil connotation
He said "look at where we'll go if we make love now"
She fought to do what was right that night, but somehow
He dragged her into his car and said "You have to bitch!"
Right then he ruined her dreams of bein a graudate
Laughed at it, and fucked her until his semen spread
All over her beautiful body...already dead
You read right, that's right, her fucked her as he killed her
In case kid's readin this some parts have been filtered
Outta this piece; let's just say daddy wasn't happy
Hell, if he knew I was sayin this he'd attack me
Well now they're in love forever, the path has been paved
Walked up to the pedestal and straight into the grave
*Pronounced "urr-lay" instead of "urr-lee" to fit with the rhymin.
**Pronounced Chingy style ("thurr way"), again, to fit the rhyme.
***The following is all one sentenced, simply written that way to fit the beat: Listened to her father when he told her "Stop ta listen before you do somethin stupid that could foster a new generation of kids who ain't complacent and need somewhere to live better than open pavement"
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that was not that bad bro, had some nice shit in there, few linez in the 2nd verse was hot, 3rd verse was the best allround for me tho, hooks were quite funny lol
7/10 :)
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weird really because you used the description of Topanga form the show Boy meets Girl....not very nice.....it was nice except for usin Chingy's vocab...eh your chorus was good.....rest i can give you some advice to not cuss in a open mic ike this it downs the Reader's Interest...like it did me..eh read my open mic Dead Man Walking
g/j
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You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.
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Great peice. hook was ok, and the verses were dope. the multis and wording that were presented were very well done. the story line was good and interesting. pretty sick peice tho, started out all nice and ended cynical, which is dope. the vocan was good and i really liked the flow of it, it was easy to read.
keep it up, and keep droppin.
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I appreciate it dog. Please keep feedin on this one, my next is on the way
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I liked this. You developed the story, and stuck to the topic. Put in good detail. Work on filling up the line better. The flow was good because you did try to make the lines uniform, but a couple times you said "fuckin" instead of adding context to the line. The vocab was nice too.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168531
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nice job on the peiece liking how you had the hook really flow and be added to the piece you did very nice you stayed on topic the whole time and made it very nice to read the only thing that i didnt like about the piece is that the rhyme was a bit simple at times try to had inner rhymes through out the piece to make it more exciting it will even make it flow alot better nice job though liking th concept alot stay up man
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it was aight. sum shit was good. but do u write self experiences also? cuz thas a better way of writing. when it actually happened in ur life, tha writing is deeper and tha people reading it can get that vibe. overall it ws good, but i would like 2 see u post sumthin personal so we can see ur true thought of writing.
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this had good imagery...I could actual picture what you were writing...that is something that I can't say about a lot of the writers at RB..so you shopuld be happy....keep writing
