The Forgotten Death

The morning rain poors as if there is a dreaded day ahead
I'm feeling kind of sick hopefully these muscle aches become dead
It hurts to even move a limb on my body and I'm not sure why
Every time I raise my arm my deltoids hurt, I dont want to try
Its kind of like love after things go arrai then you breakdown and cry
But I dont really remember why this aching has stated to occur
My memory hasnt been treating me the best and these 3years are blurred
I'm not sure if there was trama to my head when the car struck me
That memory is very vivid but all I know is that it was real ugly
I'm living in the present but some how I've lost track of my past
Nobody remembers me which is dissapointing and I'm alone at last
I never thought that times would take a toll on my fragile mind
I kind of remember recovery at the hospital but I had no complicated signs
Why doesnt anyone remember who I am today in this flesh
What has my life turned into and what have I accomplished, I'm a mess
As I dig deeper into the mystery or myself I end up tearing my pride
Awe man these aches really hurts, should I give up and just hide
But I dont need to hide when no one even remembers right
How have I managed to live undetected and completly out of sight
But without even thinking of what has become now thoughts are a side
Have people been completly honest with me or have they lied
I'm unsure because I have no way of proving this known fact
Unless I steal the information from the department and am caught in the act
Then they will have to place an identity upon my forgotten face
Unless I'm not caught at all and I'm in and out without a single trace
I will leave finger prints so that they can look for me if the need
Because I need old archived records to prove the life I lead
But for some reason all of a sudden I have lost my burning focus
Now I'm being forgotten and I have even become hopeless
After days of searching I finally went to the hospital praying for much
Because I've tried for weeks and nothing has turned up for such
I knew that this was the very last stop I would make this night
Somehow everything seemed to fall directly into its place just right
I began creeping down the remembering my crucial visit
The memory was so damn vivid but this is the wrong room isnt it
I started to become impatient with myself then I became frantic
Every door I checked happen to be the wrong one until it came back to me
Room 456, there it was,where everything happen and I remember the tragedy
Flash backsbegan to flash before my very eyes and I was watching myself lye there
I was struggling for life, trying to hold on for hours and hours then I quit
There were doctors in the room and a siren was beeping then I finally knew it
I hadnt survived my last day alive then it hit me like a ton of bricks
I had created another world when I had passed and forever it wouldnt stick
I was living but at the same time I didnt know I was already dead
As I watched them try everything they could even the most prestigious med
I was to far gone to be brought back and I realize it was all pretend
I was in some sort of pergatory waiting for a ticket from heaven hoping thed send
It had finally arrived and it my known life on earth was over
Sometimes the heart doesnt let go until you reach or recieve the closure

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168633
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168590

That was hot, At first i aint wanna read it i wont lie but tha shit was long but i really liked the form you had going for you here. I liked the ending the most, but throughout the whole poem you kept me wondering and wanting to read more. You are an excellent write look forward to your next drop!

Thanks. Looking for more feedback.

yo foreshadow, this has so much potential i dont kno were to start, i cant really critisize on this, evrything was perfect structure was there, syllables were there man ur on the money good lookin out on my drop homeboy i appreciate it. very good topic mayne keep ya head up high, skys the limit. holla BOY WONDER

nice likin it keep comming

Thanks uppin for more feedback.

This is okay, the rhyme scheme became basic at points, but it never broke down. The story was interesting and you held the readers attention nicely. This could have been a little more complex though. You have so much potential, I'm glad that I will have the opportunity to work with you more in the future. Keep dropping on RB.

Thanks for the positive feedback Jek,

Aight im sorry i didnt get to this sooner but i always keep my word an i said i would read this so i am...But im sure this was intended as a poetic piece...an you did a pretty good job here...not sure why Jek would say the rhyme scheme became bland because in poetry there is no boundry to your scheme...remember that...dont ever let other people categorize poetry for you...Here more or less i look for imagery, emotion, an feeling...an you did pretty good on covering all but i would like to see a little more emotion into your piece so that a piece of you shows in every piece...a writer/rapper i know always told me...everytime you write tell yourself that its the best youve ever written...youll see...youll get better in that mentality...peace...

Yo dogg this was hot...everything was on point i didn't see any downfalls in the whole piece...vocab was there your structure was perfect shit was hot dogg keep it commin...return the favor plz on my collab wit djb-everything happens for a reason...pz

yo man hot....that was real tight yo nice job...a lil too long fa me...but its all good man tha beginnin wasn't great...but middle an endin really hightened it.....good job man....hit me back with feed in one of my OM's in my sig

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Foreshadow

The morning rain poors as if there is a dreaded day ahead
I'm feeling kind of sick hopefully these muscle aches become dead
It hurts to even move a limb on my body and I'm not sure why
Every time I raise my arm my deltoids hurt, I dont want to try
Its kind of like love after things go arrai then you breakdown and cry
But I dont really remember why this aching has stated to occur
My memory hasnt been treating me the best and these 3years are blurred
I'm not sure if there was trama to my head when the car struck me
That memory is very vivid but all I know is that it was real ugly
I'm living in the present but some how I've lost track of my past
Nobody remembers me which is dissapointing and I'm alone at last
I never thought that times would take a toll on my fragile mind
I kind of remember recovery at the hospital but I had no complicated signs
Why doesnt anyone remember who I am today in this flesh
What has my life turned into and what have I accomplished, I'm a mess
As I dig deeper into the mystery or myself I end up tearing my pride
Awe man these aches really hurts, should I give up and just hide
But I dont need to hide when no one even remembers right
How have I managed to live undetected and completly out of sight
But without even thinking of what has become now thoughts are a side
Have people been completly honest with me or have they lied
I'm unsure because I have no way of proving this known fact
Unless I steal the information from the department and am caught in the act
Then they will have to place an identity upon my forgotten face
Unless I'm not caught at all and I'm in and out without a single trace
I will leave finger prints so that they can look for me if the need
Because I need old archived records to prove the life I lead
But for some reason all of a sudden I have lost my burning focus
Now I'm being forgotten and I have even become hopeless
After days of searching I finally went to the hospital praying for much
Because I've tried for weeks and nothing has turned up for such
I knew that this was the very last stop I would make this night
Somehow everything seemed to fall directly into its place just right
I began creeping down the remembering my crucial visit
The memory was so damn vivid but this is the wrong room isnt it
I started to become impatient with myself then I became frantic
Every door I checked happen to be the wrong one until it came back to me
Room 456, there it was,where everything happen and I remember the tragedy
Flash backsbegan to flash before my very eyes and I was watching myself lye there
I was struggling for life, trying to hold on for hours and hours then I quit
There were doctors in the room and a siren was beeping then I finally knew it
I hadnt survived my last day alive then it hit me like a ton of bricks
I had created another world when I had passed and forever it wouldnt stick
I was living but at the same time I didnt know I was already dead
As I watched them try everything they could even the most prestigious med
I was to far gone to be brought back and I realize it was all pretend
I was in some sort of pergatory waiting for a ticket from heaven hoping thed send
It had finally arrived and it my known life on earth was over
Sometimes the heart doesnt let go until you reach or recieve the closure

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168633
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168590

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i liked the flow of ur song it was kinda long but i guess it has to be long for it to be droped as an actual track so i give u props keep it up