Without You Here

Hmmm, thought id try a new style of writting and see what you people think...
neway tell me whats really good...

What the fuck…

Just break my presence
It’s pitiful to you, feeling the way I do
But yet I try, and I fail and falter
So without hesitation take my life
Crumble the once happy image of me into nothingness
A bitter grain of matter, briefly human.

You said you loved me,
Love… you said…
Nothing

Blank
Just let me go…
You’ve promised me forever
But that was five minutes ago
Somehow you seem to have forgotten the…

Love

Can I grasp this love for a single moment?
Please just let me hold it
I tried so hard,
But yet I fail,
Why?…This life has yet to prevail
Is this just and endless losing streak?

I scream but through the tears I begin to choke,
Because every moment I’m happy
The end of the day seems to be
Broke…

SO HOLD ME PLEASE…
What I have, I want
But for some reason it seems,
That…
What I want is to far out of reach
And beyond my understanding.
Just help me…
Grasp the understanding of your beautiful mind…

Cause I want to hold you forever in my arms,
But forever…
“Swallow”

Is out of my grasp and forever in your arms…

mos def a dope style

well worded and easy to read

flow is on point all the way

the way the poem flows to the next stage is nice

props fo sho

pz

Hmmm...interesting read. Structure is very different to normal.
I feel the emotion behind the piece. Is it referring to a girl that keeps rejecting you? Im sensing alot of history between two people anywayz...
Hmm being different is always risky...generally when new ideals appear their mocked, and then appreciated, then accepted...So im not sure what to say.
Im not sure if Im percieving it right or not :p But i deffo felt something...
Ill refer back to this and see what other people depict from it.

Good job though.

sNoopox

thanx, its technically about me losing my girl... and then trying to hold on when she pushes me away. meaning i have no control over her actions leaving me alone....

lol

Good piece verity.... This was a good drop kind of sad but at the same time really sad since youve experienced something like this none the less.... I like the new style it brings more to the picture, I'm not sure how to explain it but you did a nice job with it.... You had some nice vocab but this was all about heart felt stuff and something that I cant relate to yet but this was done nicely.... Keep up the good workj....

Ye. I'd say the emotion stood out most about this piece...Forshadow u foo' rep my threads plz :p

Verity, I can relate to this pain man. I been through it...heart broken and all. Theres no pain like love...But you know what, through losing my ex it made me pursue writing alot more, being able to express yourself is like self-counseling...any bad situation can be turned around for good. You can't control what hits you in life, but you can decide how you respond.
Peace!

sNoopfox

lol, thats exactly how i feel... in all reality she's just another topic to write about. But thanks for the feed... much appreciated

i love the different style, but you really could have messed that up lol. but you didnt! right. the flow was on key and the strong emotion kept it all well knit. no visible holes. i liked how you moved the story from one emotion and stage to the next. you kept it simple and easy to understand but still showed us all that emotion that was really the key to the piece. Worded well and planned out well. Props to you. *clap clap*

terA
Live by it

The way you wrote it allowed more raw emotion to come out than a more conventional piece. I often feel the blunt sometimes fiery cold emotion can be the most effective.

It did tail off once or twice by unwinding unevenly. And though it was probably meant for an 'unbreaking of emotions' effect...it did seem to be slightly off. But i'm being picky. I liked it.

thanks for the looks folks...

Wuz good, verity. The structure was different, but you really pulled it off in this peice. I know i couldn't have pulled it off!!! lol Im still stuck on one structure. But I could sense alot of emotion here and I felt like it came from you life and it was very well written. Keep droppin, I'll look forward to some more of your work

thanks very much for the reply, will be looking forward to your next peice.
alot of love today. Thanx Peeps...

Last up ^^^^

i like how in the beginning you give a notion that you want to leave for her sake, but then slowly start to dwelve into the fact that it is for sake you must leave because she apperantlly has not only not changed, but never was nor had what you belived she did. but then once again, metion how you still want her, which gives off an idea this has mad u crazy, usure of what you really want, full of a pipe dream. so it seems in the end, ur insanity leaves you hopeless, and all the decesions lay on her hands, which would explain why you kept going back and forth on what went wrong or what you want because it is all controlled be her and everything of yours was simply fathomed...
just an opinon

i like this whole concept, if its what you were trying to get at all..
i think you need to add more imagery though, and i really dont think you need the bold words.

anyway, hit dark councious , pz

i liked the way the lines seemed to contract and expand
it was as if the piece was breathing and living
very nice visual style

a good poem for sure, much has been said about the solid image delivery so i will leave it at that

bye!