-
So Innocent
didn't put too much time into this one...the flow pisses me off but whatever. just had a little dirt on the top a my head i was ready to dish..feed please
A Boy meets a girl, a girl that was so innocent
He said "My name's Diego", and hers was Cinnamon
They begin to write a story but they never finish it
I guess they were just a little too busy livin' it
An autobiography, with two deceased authors
Now let me set it straight, this couple did things proper
Listened to her father when he told her "Stop ta
think before you do somethin stupid that could foster
A new generation of kids who ain't complacent
In they place an need somewhere to live otha than pavement"
She said "Dont worry daddy, i promise we'll be patient
we waitin for the right moment when we can make it"
The young man on the other hand was slightly more brazen
Wanted more right now, shocked her into anti-stasis
He said "Look at the places we'll go if we make love now"
She fought to do what's right that night, but somehow
He dragged her in his car and said "you have to bitch"
right then he ruined her dreams of bein a graduate
Laughed at it, and fucked her til his semen spread
All over her beautiful body, which was already dead
You read right, thats right he fucked her and killed her
Since there are children here, some parts have been filtered
Outta this fable, but let's just say that her daddy
wasn't too happy with the decision Diego made
and now he'll be right next to her forever in the grave
-
-
good drop man...personally i like it man....flow was good...some sketchy rhymes to me....but just little shit...your lines were as long as they need to be...good job :thumbup: this was pretty easy to follow...and i knew where you were comin from....i feel what ya sayin man...good job
hit mine back up...i don't got the links but they're called "It's Called Criticism" and "Rascism"
-
Yeh, this was ok.
You have potential, thats what I mostly see with this piece.
Maybe next time add to it, an cut a chorus or sumthing in there, make the story be expressed better.
anyways, keep droppin
-
Bullshit!!! you ain't no damn newbie..you must of got banned and came back or some shit. That rhyme was not newb quality....why are you lying to us. Anyway I liked what you wrote man...it was easy to picture and live through...you got me all tangled in the web you weaved.....keep it up... maybe if you become nice enough you will be able to face someone of equal ability
-
I Was Actually Feeling This...
I Saw You're A Newb And Was Figuring I Was Gonna Hate It...
But It Was Pretty Hott, Here's The Breakdown:
The Emotion Was Alittle Weak...
The Actually Storyline Was Emotional But I Wasnt Feelin It From You...
I Dunno, It Was Weird Cuz Emotion Was There...
But It Just Kinda Felt Like You Were Goin Threw The Motions...
Uuuuuum, Imagery Was Nice...
Put Me Right Into This Little Scenario You've Got...
Structure Was Pretty Good...
No Real Faults In That...
Aaaaaaaaaaiight, Haha The Negatives...
The Flow!!! Ouch Mayn What Happend...
You Would Have It Steady Then Just Go All Over...
Wich Sucks Cuz With A Consistant Flow I'd Like This Piece Alot More...
Uuuuum Thats Kinda All I Can Complain About...
Maybe Tryn Do Another Verse With Some Chorus??? I Dunno...
Oooh Ya, Hahaha And This Line Right Here Mayn:
Now let me set it straight, this couple did things proper
Listened to her father when he told her "Stop ta
Lolololmao, Dont Just Throw Whatever In To Rhyme...
"Stop Ta"??? Haha That Shit Made Me Laugh...
Cuz I've Been There And Knew You Were Strugglin To Find A Rhym And You Just Threw That In...
But Ya, Pretty Tite Piece Overall Mayn...
And I'd Apreciate It If You Could Return The Favor:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=166626&page=1
Thanks Alot Mayn, Keep Writing...
.One.
-
yeah i know the flow was messed up bro...and about the stop ta thing, it's really supposed to be
Listened to her father when he told her "Stop ta think before you do somethin stupid..." and so on but it had to fit the beat y'know..
and no carlos, i aint no newb, just to the site, i been spittin foreeeeva :laugh:
-
Aiight Makes Sence Now...
Im Just Not Used To Following Threw With A Text Line Like That...
But Ayo, Go Return The Favor...
Thanks Alot Mayn...
.One.
-
aight thanks for the feedback yall...i decided that ima rewrite this piece, lengthier and with a hook, and try to straighten out the flow (that's my weakest point when it comes to writin) then repost it when its done...so dont botha feedin to this one no more
-
aight this was a good piece. you had good flow, vocab and structure and everything. i was feeling this piece. keep it up
