New Song. <I need some help..>

Alright, the help I need is with hip hop slang. I'm not really from the ghetto but I have lots of friends who are and they have been teaching me how to rap basic words. I have some flow now and I like to freestyle from time to time. I just might accept anyone who challenges me to a freestyle so I can get some practice. Hook me up with some slang words and hook me up with some serious words that get a message across, PLEASE! I am as pale as a dead white person!

Burn rubber nigger when you’re blazing down,
I spit 42 bars, Nigger when I’m blazing sounds,
I make you feel dizzy like you’re on a marry-go-round,
And I’ll make you feel sleepy like you’re on a lazy lounge,
Try to battle me, and I’ll make you count your blessings,
Try to fight me, and I’ll make you learn your lesson,
Choke you so hard making you feel the pressure,
Punch you so long, it’s as long as a lecture.

I’m a demon turning red, growing a horn and a tail,
Like the hulk I rip my clothes, which are both worn and pale,
I’ll lyrically murder you, cause it’s like a sixth sense to me,
Leave you bobbing and weaving, fighting so defensively,
I’m in full effect, chop you up in pieces while you’re still screaming,
Haunt you in your dreams, hell sent like a real demon,
Not only will I be taking your life, but also taking you death,
Effect of rhymes so terrible, they backfire making you deaf,
I scream at the top of my lungs, after I’ve ate all your young,
You can’t even rap English, while I’m speaking in tongue,
Fuck pistols, I’m a lyrical submachine gun,
Eating you up life breakfast, like if you were a cinnamon bun,
Playing games with me, not knowing I’m the heart of sin,
Get in my face, I’ll stab you in the eyes with my parker pen.

Stay off the mic, I must insist,
Cause your flows, are like pop with a twist,
You call those lyrics, boy slit your wrist,
I can’t believe, you’ve been let to exist,
So step down boy, you can’t test this,
Because you’ve stepped up, and spat your diss,
But be warned now, that I won’t miss,
When I fill you in, with more holes than swiss,
Cause if you step up to me boy, you’ll feel my fist,
Straight to your head boy, you’ll feel my blitz,
I’ll give it to you boy, you had wits,
But stay off the mic, you’ve personally been dismissed,
As soon as you step into my sight,
You best hope you aren’t in visible light,
Cause I’ll emite light in the middle of fight,
Harvest your flesh like a toxic waste site,
Ignite your body like a witch recites,
Throw your corpse into a burial site,
Midsummer’s fight and I’m king of the night,
Bury you so deep like a religious right

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

Why do you need the hip-hop slang to be able to write? Or even use, i probly wont offend any1 ether if i say i think its unessecary, but its a language to them, so its real. If you're not from the ghetto, you don't need to use the words IMO.

But about the drop, the first two verses where decent but I didnt like the 3rd one, but overall nice.

Keep droppin

Het your links up b4 they close it...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166208
peep my latest, :thumbup:

Het your links up b4 they close it...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166208
peep my latest, :thumbup:

My comp fuckd up an i posted twice, sorry man

Has some nice lines but lacks the continuity you need for it to be successful. You're rapping against an unseen enemy and it takes away from it. You clearly have the potential to write some good shit but try writing under a topic that you are against or involved with. I don't want to put it down because you have the talent to improve and this is an early attempt I gather from the thread title.

About the ghetto wordplay you don't need it for it to be good. You say you're "as pale as a dead white person" so don't try to write about someone that you aren't. As I said write under a topic and you'll be surprised at what you can come out with without any gangsta vocabulary.

Good luck though man, I'll watch out for your future work.

you lines were iight you need to elevate a little. ummmm you should try to use a little vocabulary. make sure you put your words into sequence like so everything can be like a story feel me holla atcha boii

First two verses were alright...

You need to elevate, and incorporating "gangsta" or "hood" or "ghetto" slang wont make you better... You can be more creative without using slang words...

Try approaching a topic, or subject, and tackling it without using a gangsta image. As evidently you aren't a gangsta... A lot of people on here don't really appreciate writtens in a gangsta/hood form... as they're not imaginative... and they're quite basic lyrically, technically, and also creatively...

If you want to see how topicals are written, or want to get an idea as to how approach a topic, I suggest you look in some of the vets posts. Many of them (if not all) use a much more complex style, without resorting to the Gangsta ways... Overstand?

Peace...

Thanks for the feedback guys.

the verses were decent a couple of decent punches.
our flow was nice in parts and ok in others you need 2 b more consistent with it and you'll improve.