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Where is He?
I run through every obstacle;experience all this Pain and Suffer
and More tear drops splash to the ground then Rain and Thunder
Screams are roaring through my brain, as my ears bleed in pain
Look at the depression i've gained; my thoughts drive me insane
Fear overwelms me, It fills my dreams with vioelnce and gore
My legs and feet are gettin Sore,tired of running from this horror
I paint pictures of peace in my mind, but hatred washes it away
I try to pray; but its startin to feel hopeless.God, i feel betrayed
I need a break from my life; its like i alway do wrongs and no right
i try to stop the fight, but more people just end up pullin out knives
Im left alone in this fright, left alone to cry, and alone to fight
so i look up to the Sky, but it seems that God is never in sight
I try to be all i can be; but pain, violence and hatred is all i see
Has God left me? I sit and pray everynight, askin Where is He?
Just a short peice. Got bored again, y'all tell me what i need to work on...
Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...5&page=2&pp=15
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=165869
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This was a really good read considering how short it is, you had the concept, but you didn't play the whole thing out, should've expanded more on what could've led you to these emotions and shit, u know what im saying? Other than that, the flow was 99% perfect cept for horror and gore donot rhyme....unless u have an accent I have yet to hear lol. The third to last line really killed it, it was just, really good. ''so i look up to the sky, but it seems God is never in sight''...really good man, really good. All in all, not a bad read at all, keep at it. Could you do me a favor and give me some feedback on my piece? thanks. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166009
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Pretty nice piece here man...I like it a lot...Structure was nice i liked that...Had some nice multies through out the piece which made the flow very nice...Flowed perfectly....and horror doesnt rhyme man like Awaken said, Unless you really slur it or something..But it still flowed nicely...Only flaw to it i saw was the mis-rhyming...but other than that man it was nice, I liked it a lot...Wording was nice as well...Overall a nice piece man, Im Impressed.
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^^thanks for the feed guys
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this is deffenatdly a veary emotional peace(fucken pussy :P) the flow was bangin with the multies and the metaphores. A good read fo sho. Keep this shit up, i wanna read more. 9/10
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^^haha.. thanks for the feed, except for the pussy part lol :mad:
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well your stuture was great.....i like the fact that the syllable count remained pretty much the same in each bar....good ryhme scheme.....i just think that you barely touched on the subject......make it a little longer and deeper......but good drop though man....stay up
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^^already dropped some feed on that...
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yeah, this was a cool read nice flow nothin spectacular,but that all i can be multi....
still a good read though...i like to read pieces with the crazy word play....]
drop some feed my way...
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thanks.. i'll look at urs in the mornin, jim. im goin to bed now..
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4 real that was heavy, u had a good structure workin there. ya flow was tite and wat u said was real. it was short but it was off the hook 4 wat it was. 8.75/10
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Short, strong piece. I wasn't really feeling the first 4 lines but u got me with the rest.
Nice work
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thanks for the feed guys.... upppin... drop links and i'll return the favor
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