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one day at a time....
One Day At a Time
Little Billy was the oldest in a family , with six siblings
quite poor, staying in a shack on top of a hill is where they were living
every day he'd make a trip down the hill to get water and bread
it was the only way that Billy could keep them all fed
half of the time the children cried, starving with hunger
always in freezing conditions, they couldn't make a fire without lumber
times were hard not having there loving father around
missing for a few months, he was dead when he was found
since then Billy took over , he's now the man of the house
....stressed out on the younger ones
he would cry because sometimes he had to tell them to do without
but Billy soon would have to get a job and deal with the stress
already scared, living with his mother sick and on bed rest
until sadly his mother passed away, the issue bothered him
he couldn't even keep his little siblings in which he fathered them
the rest of them lived in fostercare, until they were old enough to leave
Billy still lived in that shack with all his childhood memories
he still goes down the hill for water and bread to ease his mind
and continues to take every step ....one day at a time
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kaotic-i liked this. it has nice flow, vocab and structure. i liked the storyline cause it wasnt super original or anything, it was interesting.
Little Billy was the oldest in a family , with six siblings
quite poor, staying in a shack on top of a hill is where they were living
every day he'd make a trip down the hill to get water and bread
it was the only way that Billy could keep them all fed.....
....these first few bars were a nice opening which drew me in to the story.
the rest of them lived in fostercare, until they were old enough to leave
Billy still lived in that shack with all his childhood memories
he still goes down the hill for water and bread to ease his mind
and continues to take every step ....one day at a time....
.....definitly had a nice ending here....i think the beginning and ending are very important, both of which you did very well with here. i think you got some good stuff..so keep postin cause i wanna see more of this.
check out my battle vs. madrap and return the favor...thanks man peace.
ps. that rhyme was fuckin dope
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this was pretty dope........short..but effective.........i liked the emotion you conveyed...it was a sad story...but also a positive image of a man on the road to recovery from his loss...imagery was dope...theres not much to complain about....so i'll leave on a positive note
i'd appreciate it if you left some feedback on my first open mic on rapbattles.com
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=158721
it's called suicide
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upping...that was deep and emotional, very creative
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nice peice man... i enjoyed it even though it was short... really got into the little guy made a nice picture... imagery was good... could see a little shack on a hill nice work man.... keep at it...
check out my dripped....
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this was ok...nothing great...I thought your wordchoice in some places ruined the flow as I was reading it...imagry was good, but the emotion was average I thought...good story...but I think you needed to go more into depth...like you described things well, but since the topic is "One Day at a Time", I think it would have been good to describe the days in more detail......decent drop..keep at it
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^ i agree about word placement.
But it was still decent. I liked the mood of the story
and overall it read pretty smooth.
I was thrown off by some of your lines, and but i re-read it
and got the picture.
