Its war

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157964
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157138

Aight...fist off this is my first post and its a really long one. Im an Army Vet and I wrote this off some the things I seen and mixed up some the things my uncle told me bout when he got home from Nam. Its really a soliders look at War. holla' back

VERSE ONE:
I HAVE NIGHTMEARS!!! But yall don’t understand
I’ve traveled foreign lands buddies died by foreign hands
They brain matter splattered my clothes stained with they blood
But something in my mind wont allow me to run
Because I do this outta love and respect for the cause
Because when I raised my hand I knew the cost if I lost
So I stay on my floss and rep my hood to the fullest
With this red white and blue on the tips of my bullets
So now im sittin in this fox hole
wishin I was home (doin what?) guardin Knox gold
im so young but then I feel old
cuz my country show no love so now my hearts cold
now how am I suppose to get threw this battle
when the news is showin protests back in Seattle
and Hollywood’s heardin people like they is cattle
all this shit startin to get my mind fuckin rattled
VERSE TWO:
I showed my patriotism, Felt my nationalism,
My love for this country wasz kinda like my religion
If you could see with my eyes yad know why that im trippin
Cuz I shed my own blood and still you is bitchin
And then I come home to be called a baby killer
Man you don’t know the pain deep in side I feel
Cuz I had these orders for me and go and kill
A 17 year old full fledge guerilla
I need a healer of minds or at least so it seams
Cuz I still see his face deep inside my dreams
And I don’t know if yall would know what it means
If I tell yall I don’t know if my soul can be clean
So whats it mean when ya live battles in ya mind
And ya start to think ya souls corrupted by crimes
Im goin threw hard time, Im goin threw struggles
I guess dodging these bullets were the least of my troubles
VERSE THREE:
Now Im out but Im still a solider for life
Cuz I love this country like Im in love with my wife
If ya wanna burn her flag, boy, ya better think twice
Cuz I shed my own blood fer that red, blue and white
And I lost some good friends that stood right here beside me
So don’t say ya understand and don’t try and pacify me
Cuz inside me I feel this pain that yall have never felt
Inside that shadow of death where it kill or be kill’ed
And yall say war never justifies the cost
Why don’t ya tell it to Jews that survived the Holocaust
This war right now is to guarantee our survival
And wars been around since the days of the bible
And wars liable to go and continue for years
And have many mothers shed many tears
And spread many fears wars about showing ya might
When wars really about ya own freedoms and rights

uppin this.

I know its long but can't I get some feed?

Yo homie I'm lovin the patriotism and how you defended your country but it a little ling to read yes indeed but keep postin

Expecting feedback like the ones above, I don't give what you seek. I'm not, what you call 'Hating' I'm critiquing another member with feedback.

First of all, typing in all capitals gets you no where. I've seen this topic used over and over again, countless times. I've seen most of these concepts in your verse over and over again, countless times. I have to admit, not using bolds/italics/underlines/quotation marks is a big step in becoming top-notch at text. But, lets face it, this concept is very played. Using correct grammer is also a big up, you'll need to work on this. Become more familiar with vocabulary because it helps, a lot.

Aiight, zahl thanx alot for the feed but I have a couple issues with what you said.

Quote:

---

Expecting feedback like the ones above,

---

What feed? You are the first one to take the time to say anything....

Quote:

---

I'm not, what you call 'Hating' I'm critiquing another member with feedback.

---

I know you aint 'hating'. I want criting. I want to get better. If I didnt I wouldnt post this shit lookin for feed. So thanx, you are giving me what I seek.

Quote:

---

First of all, typing in all capitals gets you no where

---

All Caps??? What post were you lookin at??? I put a total of 3 words in caps. That was to convay screaming.

Quote:

---

Using correct grammer is also a big up, you'll need to work on this.

---

I write it how I speak. I write not for text but for eventual audio and want it to feel natural when the lines are spit so I dont use words or grammer I wouldnt normally use. At 27 its a little late for me to go and learn proper english just to use in a ryme.

i love this piece here. it was a hot drop. something i thought you could work on was on verse 2. the flow of the first half of verse 2 was hard to catch on to, but i loved the meaning and rhyming. i give it a strong 9 out of 10. good job man. keep it up. deuce up. >>>Youth<<<

Aiight youth good lookin.... only took a day and 6 posts but I finally got me some real feed. Glad you took the time to read this. I know it musta been a bitch cuz its so long

good shit, i didn't see any problems with much of it. A few lines were hard to get the flow down correctly, but overall, it was decent.


Jizza

yo man this drop was pretty dope I think....The topic has been used a lot, but you've actually experienced it first hand, so it was natural for you to write about it
Used good emotion, could really feel where you were comin from...
I liked the Patriotism, and using the red white and blue twice really expressed that.
couple minor flow/vocab problems, but with little touch ups those could be easily fixed...hot drop..8.5/10

Hit mine up
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=158712