Within

It has been lame since the world locked me out
It's like I blacked out, and I was gone without a doubt.
No body would hear my scream or shouts
It was only due to my every burning persistence
And my stobborn insistence... to be recognized and seen.
That people got over the fact that I am only thirteen.
Sometimes I would like to give all ma critics a peice of my mind
I just wanna let all my emotions spill and unwind.
It aint a crime to be lyrically strong, but dont get me wrong.
Its been long since I lost my patience
Last time I did, I gave da hospital five new patients.
My actions were criminal and blatent.
Thats why the state wouldn tolerate me
Or aknowledge that I was a tight emcee

So although rage was bubbling in me
I had to pack it all within me.
But now I wanna lock my problems away,
And get back to my feestyling, freerhyming and pimp grinding.
Remember my story as your life is unwinding.

ok......

decent drop man....your flow was good, and for the most part was easily followed, just take alittle more time over it and you can nail it!! your structure was ok, also take more time over this to improve your techniqe!

Your writers voice was ok...and you put quite a bit of effort into it i can tell...but try and focus on tellig a more in depth story...and this will make you improve as a writer in a big way!!

Vocab was good, didnt need to be over complicated for this piece and i'm glad you didnt try to do it. good job!!

This was a good pice to start yu off, just keep going and concentrate on your writers voice...and you will soon be a real good writer!

Fav line =

Sometimes I would like to give all ma critics a peice of my mind
I just wanna let all my emotions spill and unwind.


can ya reply to m piece The breath of the devil..thanks!

pz

just a question.
d'yall take a pen and start constructing lines, cos i freestyle verything i put on da spot. maybe thats why my stuff aint great, when i write stuff down in a book and look over it it's real aight and all, but i nver do that on rap sites, i take a couple of seconds and just write what comes into my head.

thanks for the comments

i liked it bro... if your really only 13 you gotta future but people tend to stretch the truth when it comes to rappin but i liked it

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148643
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...49#post1732149

sorry here is ma feedback man.
thanks for da feedback jackpott8s, and i am really 13.
go to soundclick.com/chucknga to hear some of ma music, ma voice is really young and has no real conviction to it, so my music aint that aight, but listen to it anyway.

this was okay. you had some good lyrics and for thirteen your pretty dope. try to do a serious topical piece. like keynote said it will really make you a better poet.your best line was

"Sometimes I would like to give all ma critics a peice of my mind
I just wanna let all my emotions spill and unwind"

your vocab was solid and damn for thirteen. your ahead of your age. stay up and keep droppin'


yeah i do it just like you. write whatever comes in my head. i havent posted one pre written yet.
if you could please return the favor and give feedback on In Haiti
link to my open mic
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148548

dope job for a freestyle, but it lacked the quality of something that is thought of, trying taking time to write a piece, you shouldn't always freestyle, i doubt any of the hit rap tracks are freestyles. the flow in this was good, you didn't seem to have a scheme to it though so it kinda messed wit the structure. the meaning was decent, but the vocab was great. overall this is a good piece, i definately felt the emotion. nice job man and thanks for your comment on mine.

peACE