week1 - Tim Corleone vs FanTa ZeE

Topic: i hit a brick wall
House rules
minimum 16 lines
check ins due saturday verses due on monday and voting ends wednesday

lol my name isnt lil hova lol its Tim Corleone


checkin

edited your name - Dev

check...this was up fast...i guess i won preseason battle against Kerr then?

Drink Driving (I Hit A Brick Wall)


Passion sparks ignited, a flame of ecstacy, 3 points to his liscence and a demon behind the wheel,
Yet I felt compelled to travel, drunk with liquor and fatigue, a ravers whistle round my neck, a desire to go to sleep,
Home was by a lonely road that was in dark, concealed, the stars all ran for cover, the moon not yet revealed,
A 20 minute struggle, if i could force my legs to wield, the poison in my liver, that being sick would heal.
My vision blurred and fading, as alcohol slurred my speech and the lids fell down on weary eyes, put sight so out of reach,
I retired to the pavement, lay flat out on the concrete, my weight became too heavy, no longer trusting my own feet,
I half felt myself be lifted, and heard distant whispers groan, of the dangers I'd be faced with, if I was left alone,
I let my mind drift elsewhere, but my body was caught in cyclone, round and round in circles hearing sounds that weren't my own,
I heard the whir of engines and the baseline on the breeze that drifted from the open club where I'd washed my throat with whiskey,
Drowned my sorrows in a litre of Jack Daniels tennesse, before noticing I'd had enough, exceeded my expertise,
He must have rolled the window down, for the cold licked at my face and he sped towards the rush hour and time gave way to race,
Rapid rocking forwards, almost lolling on the dashboard, stomach acid rising upwards, I felt vomit hit the floor,
He mopped my face with sheer disgust and I mumbled apologies, that sounded ten times louder to my driver's sober ears,
We hit the highway locked on 90 miles as we sped into the dark, and the engine chuntered forward, heating up, giving off sparks,
An array of tears and screaming, a shower of fuel and blood, as we gathered pace so promptly and drifted off the road,
And down the hill we slid, crashing against rocks on the way, desperate attempts to get it back in gear; it did not work out that way,
And anticipating madness, at the bottom of this fall, a year or two in prison, and a badly placed brick wall.

Cold And Numb thinking to myself where would I go when i die
I was So Dumb Dinking Now In Bad Health Looking At The Sky
Life Now Met With Death Combined With A Breath To Continue On
Did I Do Wrong this nights to long In about an Hour Ill Be Gone
Pinned By The wheel and seat can no one see this commotion
Twenty One Degrees out a Breeze That Could Freeze an Ocean
Readied My soul to Control An Emotional flow Deep In Darkness
Just a Limp Carcuss Stomach Churning the speeding was Heartless
A Journey Of Happiness sleeps Deaths Bestfriend Ill close my eyes for a bit
Cold Shivering and Quivering My Body Gasping For air I guess This is it

Flash Back 9 Months Earlier

It Was a Sweet Night Of Passion two People Becoming One
In the Heat Of The Moment an Action Of love has Been Done
Thrusting and pulsing, Kissing under the sheets what a great summer
Lusting and Thrusting and Missing The Most Important Thing a Rubber
Five Days Later she called me and Said ,"Your Going to be a daddy"
I sadley Hung Up The Phone and Yelled Out I HATE HER!!! Madley
We Did not see Nor Speak To each other again for about four months
I doubt Ill be There She'll be a great mother Because Im Just a Dunce
7th Month She Sent An Ultra Sound To Me And Said, "Its Going to be a girl"
I Hit The Ground you See And Relized this Girl Really Does Mean The World
We Started To date Again She Made Me Her Lover and Outta The Blue
She Made Me a Father I Guess That All Dreams Can Really Come True
We Were Wed Three Days Before The Baby Was To Arrive
I Was So Alive and Happy All I could Do Was Cry
I was at Work That Night I Got the call, "your wifes at the Hospital"
I Had a Couple Drinks with my Pals "You'll Never Make It" Anything is possible
90 miles Down The Freeway Speeding The Cell Ringing That was the last Call
I Must Have Missed the Exit Cause I Skid And Crashed Hitting A Brick Wall

Back To The Present

Ill Never Wake Deaths The Rode I Must Take God I Belived Him
I Made A Mistake My Wife Gave New Life I died She Broke even
Let The Skies Be My pillow and a Window Be My Eyes
As I enter The Golden gates And Enter The after Life

both seemed to take a similar approach with the drink driving.... fanta your verse had a good consistant story to it, but the flow, i just didnt get.... Tim, i thought your verse was more fluid and used a better rhyme scheme, so it made the story easier to follow, sorta... lol.....

so im voting Tim, smoother and a more creative approach, with the seperate verses and it jumping.....

y'all used a straight forward appoarch to the topic which was good, but y'all could have come at it from a different perspective, both had dope imagery. all that made it hard to chose a damn winner, so i went deeper into the shit. i vote tim cuz he gave more of story, with a beginning and end, with fantazee it just feels like she tosses all into a story that was already going on i didn't like that so......................

vote tim

Tim wins