"Something Wonderful.." T-west and Bloomquist

Something Wonderful..

Imagery harasses a thought..
As youth pictures a perfect place..
A place where fame is not saught..

Young minds are nurtured and taught..
Something a God cannot provide..
Maybe a sign that time will age and rot..

Can a place be as perfect as this?..
Pure bliss lifts the dream..
As I reminisce on how great life seemed..

There's Something very wonderful in me..
And it seems, that the beams holding my dreams..
Has grown to be so crippled and weak..

Is everything truly great in my special place?..
Or will everything erase, and meet a face..
Who judges by color and race?..

I'm leaving all my memories back..
Saying good-bye to arguments..
That were caused all by the words: White and Black..

So as I dream of my paradise..
I will sing this peaceful song..
Oh wait, I just noticed, I was in my special place all along..
:
:
:
Surrounded by passion, relaxin'...layin' on a beach....
Martin Luther King Jr. givin' a speech...
clear skies...kids laughin' as they play in the waves...
n' the sun gives the ocean that crystal gaze...
sand castles bein' built, moats filled with water..
cell phone finally turned off by a father...
to spend time with his kids..
...can't be bothered...
...so now he's focused on a new type of business
man...I really miss this, it's been so long...
the worlds a cold place, but I here I feel strong
got a problem? here...people help you get over...
but other places?...they got chips on they shoulders...
so there's no shoulders to lean on...
everyone's there when there's food...
but leave's when it's gone
cuz all they wanna do is satisfy their needs...
lookin' out for number one, fill themselves with greed
n' that's why I take pride in this place...
you could leave your spot in line-
n' people will save ur space...
you can walk down the street, no fears of gettin' shot...
cuz the term "poverty"....the dictionary forgot
It's where I go when i'm stressed, where I go when i'm mad
I ain't a freak...but sumtymes, you need that 3rd hand
everytime that I come, see my mom at the start-
beside me...as I go n' take a trip thru my heart...


Verse One: Bloomquist
Verse Two: T-West

Will edit links here...

Link
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Arrite can we get some replies please? Leave a link and i'll be sure to give some feedback. Thanks.

Bloom & T this was a real nice.. Bloom I noticed that you have a different structure then you usually do. You had a good rhyme scheme sort of ababcab. I felt that you expressed yourself very well in this piece and you got you point across smoothly with good qualitys in your verse. T you had a great verse as well a real nice complex rhyme scheme that you made real smooth and flowing. Vocab was decent from you 2. nice work on this you did a real nice job but damn Euth is putting it down.

Yo this was ver Hott guys. i liked both verses...the second one apealed to me a little more. good job both of you. lookin forward to readin more from u guys.

1

this was good..i liek your collabs..the imagery was very good, the flows were good

Bloom

your flow and structure were very good, and you imagery was quite good..you made one syntax mistake...you used has where you should have used have ( we aren't divine diction for nothing, lol)...j/p....seriosuly though, this was a vey good verse, i liek your writing style more and more as i read it more and more, and i gain more and more respect with each one...

T West

this was on par with your usual...good flow, it was an average piece for you...the structure was ok...not good, ok....work on that...ionno...this wasn't special...but it was still quite good...

overall: 9.1/10

Thanks Sublime. Your feedback is very helpful. Respect.

Any more? Drop links too.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142629