-
Disappointment [remake]
Disappointment
I sit in a dark room, & my heart fumes
Cause my art’s doomed.. &, in part, soon-
To spark tombs, when the hype weans
I can now see that writing’s a pipe dream
Then my eyes focus, & I notice a man
When his motionless hand, opens & spans
Wide, as if : inviting me to come over-
Come closer: as his hand becomes slower
I can admit; weed has me half-baked-
On this sad day..So he meets me halfway
His skin’s dark & warm-& cries deep
It starts to storm.. Right as our eyes meet
His face is sad, & it seeps of sorrow-
As if he could, somehow, see tomorrow
& know, it’d be nothing better there
My wasted life is in this unpleasant stare
Then his sorrow escalates to anger
& in this thick air, I can taste his malice
But, truthfully, I don’t feel danger
See? He’s upset at all my wasted talents
Us “two” men drown in disgrace
My life’s nothing, I’ve just begun to see
A single tear rolls down my face
As I wipe this tall mirror, in front of me
Am I doomed to cleaning hotel rooms all my life?...
Authors note: This is a true story. Not just a poem with no backbone. At age 16-17, I found myself cleaning bathrooms and bedroom etc, 40 hours a week as a highschool dropout. I had to help my mother with bills, and I didn’t like school anyway. After doing this for a year, I felt like my life was wasted and I would often have these moments of talking into the mirror, mad at my self and my choices. It’s like the guy in the mirror knew I fucked up, and every time I saw a mirror, he let me know. Nothing feels worse than thinking your life is worthless, and you’ll never amount to shit. That is how I felt and why I wrote this piece. [this is the 3rd or 4th rewrite on the original piece I wrote a couple years ago]
http://img73.photobucket.com/albums/...zzzzzzzzzz.png
Replied to DNK and Word Perfect
-
Yeah,
This really was dope.
Even though me and you never say each others pieces are dope, when they are, ima break the trend now and just come out and say it, dope.
Imagery, lots of it.
Im quite proud,
I remember your newbie days...
Hit my pieces whenever you see them soon,
Stay up, peace.
-
Actually...I read this piece 2x before reading the writers comments...I think that everybody who reads this piece will like it...why? We all can relate in a way. Perhaps not to an exact degree...But we have all felt dissapointed in ourselves at some point. Perhaps it was when you made a dumb choice...or even your dissapointed at who your friends are...we have all felt this way.
Those last four lines really hit me...
"Us “two” men drown in disgrace
My life’s nothing, I’ve just begun to see
A single tear rolls down my face
As I wipe this tall mirror, in front of me"
^Perfection only exists is one's mind...and when I read that, it was perfect.
Great Job man. Always a pleasure to read a w1cked piece. And big ups on goin' back to skool n' gettin' an education. Most people probably wouldn't....but it shows true character that you did.
pz. god bless.
- T-West.
-
ill and dope as fuck
Then his sorrow escalates to anger
& in this thick air, I can taste his malice
But, truthfully, I don’t feel danger
See? He’s upset at all my wasted talents
Us “two” men drown in disgrace
My life’s nothing, I’ve just begun to see
A single tear rolls down my face
As I wipe this tall mirror, in front of me
keep spittin liking the flow and emotion you put into it
-
His face is sad, & it seeps of sorrow-
As if he could, somehow, see tomorrow
& know, it’d be nothing better there
My wasted life is in this unpleasant stare
Dope. I realized that you were looking at something, but I didn't know what yet. Feeling the AA, BB rhyme scheme.
Then his sorrow escalates to anger
& in this thick air, I can taste his malice
But, truthfully, I don’t feel danger
See? He’s upset at all my wasted talents
Again, I was eager to know who you were talking to and/or giving this blank stare too, but I knew that I would know at the end. A, B, A, B. Good switch up.
Us “two” men drown in disgrace
My life’s nothing, I’ve just begun to see
Then I realized that..you were reflecting on yourself because of the quotations of the word "two". Dope. I liked how you didn't mention that you were staring at your reflection contemplating on your wrongdoing or your downfall or whichever you prerfer. Thought the imagery was dope.
Your style is very..unique. I never seen a writer who is able to change up their style almost everytime they write a new piece. I liked this.
-Nique.
-
Wow, really amazed bout this piece. When I was reading this, I was thinking that the ''man'' was your father? Thats how I read it, correct me if I'm wrong...But this whole story is on point, There's nothing worse than thinking you don't amount to shit. I think that all the time and I'm still a young kid. lol but Hey, it happens...theres nothing u can do bout it. but there was something about this that inspired me to write more. maybe a nominee for legends? lol
-
Emotional crisis came right through - this was dope - nothing else to say really - you captured a moment and a feeling in words - peace
-
^^ i agree
this was dope, got alot of emotion in there... very subtle in what you were saying... yeah... well written
-
hey yo this was some deep shit and had a good twist on the end. It had emotion and was perfectly descriptive for a peice like this. Also it was easy to follow, didn't fall off track once. Good flow...
-
-
-
you always come dope. This peice was odd tho, the way you switched schemes in the middle. Im not sure if I liked that to much. but other wise the ending was good. Wasnt expecting it. Nice peice
-
Overall I enjoyed this peice, vast emotion; my favorite bars:
His face is sad, & it seeps of sorrow-
As if he could, somehow, see tomorrow
& know, it’d be nothing better there
My wasted life is in this unpleasant stare
Great flow and imagery there. I loved the story line and topic, I don't post vary often but I liked this drop. One thing that cought me off-gaurd was switching from aa/bb to ab/ab rhyme scheme. I liked it, stay up. -out
