-
Alone
Been arguing for hours..
..I'm only 15. . I can't stand
. . fighting with my mum
"Fuck of to your fathers & jus leave me alone"
Its all I ever hear. .
I wish I HAD a Dad so I could jus pick up the phone..
& call him up, share my problems but instead I shiver
..knowing that I never really had a father figure
Tredding rough rivers, egg shells crack my souls
While every other bitch or whine creates new holes
Digging up the past in moles, the future seems so far..
. .me & my Mum so off par
. .relations jus ripped apart
. .I just wish I had Tracy Chapman & her fast car..
..Coz I'd drive to a place where my life was simple
Where I didn't have holes in my soul..
..but only meer dimples
Just pimples of life, the daily grind that people indure
I don't care about working for it, see nothing is sure
There will never be a cure, for bad tempered bitter..
..I can only take so much for then I'm a quitter
I love/hate emitter, I must give out bad vibes
To affect those around me & make up bad lives
Cells of cracked hives, no more honey to contrive
Its a far ride from being loved to being dealt knives
..my cuts derive..
From not being able to grow on this vast globe
So my self infliction attempts to make me feel at home
I guess its a kinda syndrome that can't be subscribed
or helped along in a way that'll make me feel right
I try to keep on the light..
But it goes out..
. . .its all blurry. . *cough*
Wow..before I go I need to vent some shit
As there's so many I drew up a list:-
-Fuck my biological Dad & fuck my mum
-Fuck my elicit step Dad & your adopted son
-Fuck my family for just not being there
-But a big thanks to my bro'
..for when he was alive, he was there..
With a vivid stare my last few moments feel stale
As a new life is bought mine just went off sale
..
-Dean Harries
R.I.P
1986-2004
"Much Loved Son,Brother,Grandson..
We hope you finally find what
you really want up there"
-
-
Nice. This was very emotional. I could almost imagine what is going through the persons head. The concept was good. The flow was ok. Not many multis but it really didnt need it. Nice peice. Nomination.
pz.
-
this didnt require a solid structure even though you
had did it anyway...believe it or not..writing rhymes
and seeing comedians keep me alive
my fathers still alive but hes not in the state that he
was when I was about..ehh 12...so I was mad about
a bunch of shit for a long time because I should have
had money that everyone else had growing up...but
I just work harder and appreciate what I get..
this poem was good and thats why im replying man
but dont let this tear you apart and im sorry for
the loss of your older brother...
this isnt really something to critique...
-
^^Thanks anyways dude. Appreciated pz
-
yea... the emotion was keenly written...
the structure seemed solid enough too... some of the rhymes were a bit too basic for a legendary piece or anything...
but I still give this a solid 8/10
-
man dogg that waz off da hook its tight how long did it take yall to make dat
-
Thanks..
More feedback please.
Leave links pz
-
-
Good shit. I've seen similar concepts but this was still nice. The flow was a little choppy at times, but , overall, it was decent. Nice emotion. Good piece. keep doin' you, homie.
-
Hey man, i liked reading it, but the flow was choppy in a few parts which sort of made it boring at first, but then it picked up. I'm sorry for your loss of your brother, that's gotta be hard, but like the other guy said, don't let that tear you apart. It's hard to critique this, but it was good. Keep writing homie.
-
-
Uppin this you queer fucks lol
-
This was a very nice piece...
I loved the read, flow was on tact..
really no complaints from me about this piece,
told an amazing story, very well written
dope man...
should be nominated.
-
