PENNY-candy

the fifties and sixties: decades or mere holes in the roads which. .
shocked control, birthed rock and roll, leaving molars corroded
men with brandy, pretty women - the parents` hope was showing stags
that teens could still leave the candy stores with overflowing bags
returning was golden; now springtime, beyond the level of carols
dad stared ablazingly reverent into the depths of the barrels
vacationing, the families riches shed as rags raptured tags. .
that exposed their blue collars. . while dad filled bag after bag
a contagious smile, his age beguiled: he had broken past fears
& bathed in youth for just a moment, as he approached the cashier
"this is great - remember this?!" locked up, in seperate baggies
he could taste the pixi dust and good ol` peppermint patties
weighing & counting, he looked on: a hopeless, poor old father
who never expected a candy bill amassing over forty dollars
he had to put it back in its barrels; frowning, he ended the sale
concealing a blue visa card, everyone knew his credit had failed
noone saw the bulge in his pocket, his eyes meager and porous
we figured that the mark in his khakis were the keys to his taurus
back in our room, he remained silent - usually dapper in speech . .
he said he`d "take a lonely walk," as he strapped to his feet
the penny loafers, exiting slowly - it stands as an amazing retort
his family didn`t breathe in their neverending gaze at the door
they waited `til midnight; perhaps drinking, his bottle was home
hope dwindled until the next morning when the doctor would phone

they said "heart attack;" that response would scold and sin flaws. .
in lax police forces. . `sides, that`s what she had told the in-laws
but we knew; now empty pockets, his fun and life was abridged
black licorice wrapped around his neck as he hung from the bridge

lifeless.

i liked the writers voice in this... thought you told the story well, wit hsome nice immagery in there... decent scheme most parts smooth, couple of dodgy transitions, but nuthing major... overall quite well constructed and carried it well.... but lose the centering text... makes it harder to read..... mostly tho nice work here.. interesting read.... ~one~
hit mine... thee depression...

You need to reply to another open mic and post the link to it in here or this gets closed, Thanks.

something's wrong with my comp - so your text looks abnormaly wrong for some reason - nevertheless flow was decent - scheme was quite nice - vocab was appropriate - content was dope - liked this:
noone saw the bulge in his pocket, his eyes meager and porous
we figured that the mark in his khakis were the keys to his taurus
story was quite dope - very well done - I nominate for top of month thingy...


oh yeah and Credz he replied to my OM so don't close this

He Needs To Supply The Link

-Credz

*QUITS Rapbattles dot com*

*comes back & quits again*

that shit was pretty good, and im def feeling your name go kerry. The word choice could have been a little better and the way you went about telling the story a little clearer, but all in all it was def a nice read. I enjoyed overall picture of it, and thats what counts the most, the story was intriguing and very true, dont quite keep postin bro keep up

This was nice here G .. Was feelin' the story .. And you didn't write it like webster would .. First piece I seen without a lot of large vocab from you .. Yet it was still a good piece .. Nicely told story .. I like how you set the mood in the beginning .. That was nice .. Keep doin' ur stuff man .. One