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Fist love...awwwww!
replied to: Re-invernt the wheel - Archival
Hip- Hop.....-Penskills
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She’s the love I crave……
She’s the love among my art, the light for all to see
As the night sets in, she then holds a light in me
Keeps my ideas flowing onto my page, the way I feel?
My love written in the form of Rhythm poetry, Only real
From the first day met, She treated me with respect
She’d love me, and for that, I’m bound to risk my neck
There from when I realised at around 14 years of age
I found for the rest of my days, she’d be the one I craved
There all the while I jot my pain and love down on paper
Always behind me urging me along, supporting my labour
Like a saviour, she heals my open aching wounds shut
My heart aches for the energetic burning untamed love
Listen to the music of my youth, always there at my side…
Always she resides, In the deepest depths of my mind
Take it in my stride, love her til my heart and lungs stop
Talking of my first love, My one passion, Hip-Hop….
She’s the love among my art, the light for all to see
As the night sets in, she then holds a light in me
Keeps my ideas flowing onto my page, the way I feel?
My love written in the form of Rhythm poetry, Only real
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sorry if I've hurt anyones feeling...supposed to b first love!
Not fist love!!!!!LOL....accidents are amusing
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Had a very poetic feel. Good vocab use, Flow was alright - got better toward the end. Seemed kinda short in my opinion. Concept was kinda blahish. Felt some emotion in it though. One thing - it's got the whole graceful feel to it and then you put in the word "Hip-Hop" which just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe if you had kept the thought but worded those last two lines differently. Keep writing. Hit my ELEETE collab if you get a chance. (Two Geniuses - One Mind)
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erm...its supposed to be poetical and the love being hip-hop
is thge twist...dick...I got my inspiration from a Common song
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I didn't say the poetic feel was a bad thing now did I? - Stop jumping to conclusions. I got the twist - I was remarking on the word choice. ie: you could've said poetry, writing, etc. - Just the word "Hip-Hop" does not fit with your tone. I'm giving you feedback - be glad I took my time to read this - if you want it to be ignored or for clueless people to pop in saying, "It was dope!!!!!!!" - then say so and I'll ignore your shit from now on.
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should post this up in PS, coz yeah it does have that poetic feeling too it. flowed welled, had a basic structure but worked, vocab was good, emotion has here and there, concept was alright i thought maybe it could have been shown abit better, and content could have had more too it. but all and all it was a good read.
T
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thanx for feed bak...And I do want u to gic me feedbak SMZ
Just a disagreed this particular time..
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This was a short piece, but it was cool. I don't think it's poetry(not that it's a bad or good thing. I'm just stating). The flow was really easy. The feeling was there. The only thing i didnt like was a chorus. I think it would have been iller if you only posted the chorus once and put in connected to the rest of the work. Anyway this was a decent drop. Keep up the good work.
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i like this sappy shit...lol...buh the vocab was good and the flow was simple...should have never had a chorus tho...props
check out my piece
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=1234065
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Nice piece darius. You came very good here.
The emotion was very good & ya brought it
out so it wasn't boring etc. New concepts
worked and your structure worked well.
Its a played out story to follow but you
made it not so boring.
Just try to work more on your flow.
Syllabic flow can mean everything in a piece
like this.
pz
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I thought it was pretty good...but im not into love poems and stuff...
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obvious u cuntz aint read it if u think
its bout a gal.....it cahnages subject at
the end.....gay bastards
