SS:Winter Air

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...5&page=1&pp=15
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116456

we took all the wrong turns as we stumbled through the maze
you had me at hello...but I couldn't see through the heys
another exhale shows satisfaction in my incompetance
as shallow as we've become, the water still has a chance
that my nativity scene is not as innocent as yours
and my back is to the wall while yours is to the floor
cold and concrete as it is, it remains proud and unyeilding
no amount of butterfly nets could help me to catch your feelings
I never ever lie...because my untruths lack intention
and when you find my love, you'll see a hideous invention
of fanciful imagery in baggy pants and coloured tops
and every scruple of my loyalty is within temperature drops
but you're blind to this, and those sunglasses hide your eyes
the cane keeps you from tripping but support can make you cry
all summed up in a sigh, besides, what do I have to fear?
you're my only source of warmth...
and it's fucking chilly in here.

Be Well.

I was felling that. Good one, peace.

thanks, I guess.
up.

Nice piece - voice seemed to go back and forth a little from reflective to playful. Flow was ok - vocab was good. You didn't go for "big" words but rather seemed to choose words carefully based on their meanings and nuances. Saw a couple of lines I really liked:
that my nativity scene is not as innocent as yours
and
no amount of butterfly nets could help me to catch your feelings
although I think this could maybe be compacted somehow...
and and
I never ever lie...because my untruths lack intention

Nice work - I think the scheme could have maybe been a little more complex - let me know if I missed something. Anyway this pieces strong point is obviously its content. Hit my Lamentations if you can please, or if you already have my SyaNidal collab - peace.

Quote:

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we took all the wrong turns as we stumbled through the maze
you had me at hello...but I couldn't see through the heys

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^Great line...although "You had me at hello" <-I remember that line from "Jerry Maguire" :)

Quote:

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another exhale shows satisfaction in my incompetance
as shallow as we've become, the water still has a chance

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^Wow..Great lines...I'm moved...

Quote:

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but you're blind to this, and those sunglasses hide your eyes
the cane keeps you from tripping but support can make you cry

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^I'm speechless...

You truly are a great writer my friend...I was still reading picture books at your age..{It's a Joke!!!!!}..I honestly think you are one of the rare few on this site who actullay could make it as a writer..:)

~We have no crew :( ~

This was very emotional for a topic so.. You know.. Not emotional.. Lol..

Very good writing skills used.. Nice vocabulary.. Very nice creativity.. Liked the shallow water still has a chance line.. Very original..

And a nice closer.. Made me laugh anyway.. Young boys wit.. Very good..

Liked this.. This is an SS drop.. I believe you will win that..

Hit up "Injustice.." in my sig.. Please.. Thanks..

Pz..

I will do the replies!
eventually!
thanks folks.

This was a really good drop. It was an easy and enjoyable read. I like lines 3 and 4 alot. Alot of other ill lines too. The tone of this whole piece was nice. This was worth a read. And the last three lines were killer. Keep up the good work.

Please drop feedback here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117801

first off penskills, GET YOUR HEAD OUT HIS ASS... but i agree to an extent, it was a good read, but it seemed a bit short for an SS verse, nevermind... but for what was there i thought you got quite a bit into it... rolled with the topic decent, a bit abstract, but i like that, with some nice wordplay... i'll leave more of a reply in SS when i get round to voting.... no point here... i aint repeating myself....lol.....

movin on up, movin on up, to the east side, movin on up!

I liked this drop maven it was something i could relate to and pretty much liked it pzzzzz

lol, you've gotten pretty good, really nice lines in the opening
esp. the on the floor, and heys lines, those were mad dope
nice piece you get a few props from my bucket of them.. or
something, but now go read my short story .. =)