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First Post

The useless jogging in different directions to escape the confinement
Born to death.....the sad estate and mentallity of a hostile enviornment
Gone to wreckage..what genie do you know fills out a form for a deathwish
Unable to mesh shit ...wanting to escape oblivion dreams of narcoleptics
The anguish...the drama the yearn for a casket ..needing to bury the hatchet
A brain slowly ate away by the maggots..played and unable to attract shit
For the fear of not being attractive...which would lead to the need to be active

To live through these fatal attractions...which puts youur brains into fractions
The need for no action...for the constant sleep...therefore not to be deprived
of life that lies ..and stunts the need to survive through a life barely arrived
Young at heart..but yet restless at mind..left without a meaningfull find
For a reason to live a life intertwined and mangled by the everyday grind
of a true hustler ...a man feining for death....feining for a life of less misfortune
And hurting that sports such a heavy hand..that acts as a light touch

Which will bruise your selfesteem...send a shot through your locamotive
out your motive...so your body and soul are left with nothing but torture
A dream of narcolepsy no more stress no more pain no more bullshit to face
Lay my face in a pillow therefore in one case wait for "le coup de grace"
Enclosing my space...lacing my pace ..to slow my footing behold im losing
Jogging in place...life and all this shit has suddenly slowed my movement
No way to improve shit..or look at new shit ...lifes short and so are improvements

Head in the clouds...brains riding the air.. to bad..steps are cut short on the stairs
What a state of affairs...nothing of good fortune .."no legs" playing "musical chairs"
Must not hear all my prayers...proof myself ...that even the greatest fall
Wipe my eyes..put my hand in my mouth..to acheive the biter taste of salt
Life is at a fault...while mine is at a hault..keep moving just to let my pen jot
Ink through the tip..from the same hand that was on the corner selling rocks
On blocks that wont stop to watch you suceed ..but freeze at the moment of downfall
I sit and wonder where the talents gone...our even ponder if there was any at all

Anything to begin with ....i sit and try and extinguish the drama and anguish
Not easily dealt with. .try and buckle down but usually jus get the belt width
I've felt it...the reprecussions..the pain...dreaming of being blessed with concussions
A coma at best...fully loading the three eight and playing roulet without russians


I'm a bit rusty!

wow

your lines stretch from here to japan.....

do you rap awfully fast?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Emerge

wow

your lines stretch from here to japan.....

do you rap awfully fast?

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no,just trying something new,since I'm new,who knew,??

you good ..I mean the shit rhymes but 100 dollars says that you can't rap that to a beat or you don't freestyle at all...this was not rap-able.

Nice poem cupcake

Quote:

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Originally Posted by carlosbarrett

you good ..I mean the shit rhymes but 100 dollars says that you can't rap that to a beat or you don't freestyle at all...this was not rap-able.

Nice poem cupcake

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wow,I already have a FAN!

made me dizzy..

i like ya style..

rhyme structure wasn't great tho

The useless jogging in different directions to escape the confinement
Born to death.....the sad estate and mentallity of a hostile enviornment
Gone to wreckage..what genie do you know fills out a form for a deathwish
Unable to mesh shit ...wanting to escape oblivion dreams of narcoleptics
The anguish...the drama the yearn for a casket ..needing to bury the hatchet
A brain slowly ate away by the maggots..played and unable to attract shit
For the fear of not being attractive...which would lead to the need to be active
Ok, im not going to do a line by line break, so ill do stanza by stanza. First off over all your vocabulary was extreamly though out i felt.. I bolded the part in this stanza i liked. good suttle wordplay on this i thought. Your lines were a little bit streched in my eyes, the flow of this came off as poetry to me, enstead of somthing one might spit to an audio, although ive been proven wrong before. I think you could have cut out a few more syllables from each line to drasticly help the flow smooth out. Your direction was good, but a little more thought might paint a better picture for were this piece was heading, as far as a story telling aspect went.But still it held great vision.
To live through these fatal attractions...which puts youur brains into fractions
The need for no action...for the constant sleep...therefore not to be deprived
of life that lies ..and stunts the need to survive through a life barely arrived
Young at heart..but yet restless at mind..left without a meaningfull find
For a reason to live a life intertwined and mangled by the everyday grind
of a true hustler ...a man feining for death....feining for a life of less misfortune
And hurting that sports such a heavy hand..that acts as a light touch
i liked your flow on this stanza. The direction of this was a little bit better i thought as far as story dipection went. the vocabulary toned down a little which i think might have help your flow in the end. I think by adding in a few more multiple inner rhymes you could help transition from line to line better. You still need a little more clear direction to help with the story your starting to show us, as well as more of a build up from beggining to end in each stanza. the way it is now isnt bad at all though
Which will bruise your selfesteem...send a shot through your locamotive
out your motive...so your body and soul are left with nothing but torture
A dream of narcolepsy no more stress no more pain no more bullshit to face
Lay my face in a pillow therefore in one case wait for "le coup de grace"
Enclosing my space...lacing my pace ..to slow my footing behold im losing
Jogging in place...life and all this shit has suddenly slowed my movement
No way to improve shit..or look at new shit ...lifes short and so are improvements
Damn... this entire stanza was increidable i thought. I really wouldnt changes much, other than trying to be a little more graphic in what your dipicting. a great rhyme scheme in this, the multis really helped alot.I chose that for bolding because i think the scheme on it stood out the most, but the entire this was just good.

Head in the clouds...brains riding the air.. to bad..steps are cut short on the stairs
What a state of affairs...nothing of good fortune .."no legs" playing "musical chairs"
Must not hear all my prayers...proof myself ...that even the greatest fall
Wipe my eyes..put my hand in my mouth..to acheive the biter taste of salt
Life is at a fault...while mine is at a hault..keep moving just to let my pen jot
Ink through the tip..from the same hand that was on the corner selling rocks
On blocks that wont stop to watch you suceed ..but freeze at the moment of downfall
I sit and wonder where the talents gone...our even ponder if there was any at all
equally as good as the last. the picture you paint in this one is really good. youve toned down on the vocabulary, which is good and bad. a high vocabulary is usally the first indication of intellic. You really had nice direction from beggining to end with the stanza. although i like the mutliple rhymes from the last stanza this one didnt really fall short.You had great metaphors i thought. Good connection through your lines.

Anything to begin with ....i sit and try and extinguish the drama and anguish
Not easily dealt with. .try and buckle down but usually jus get the belt width
I've felt it...the reprecussions..the pain...dreaming of being blessed with concussions
A coma at best...fully loading the three eight and playing roulet without russians
man... Man... this last stanza put chills down my spine. great metaphor. you started to tone down with the flowing of your multis, which didnt hurt this part, but i thought could have helped it with more inner rhymeing syllables. the russian part was dope. Good metaphor on this.

Your entire piece was pretty good, nice storying telling really picked up towards the end, the flow was good, metaphors through out this were dope.

Nice piece, keep the work up

i like your name.....nice original