My Dads Story

Just some old ish i had... but its still kinda ill

*links*
Termz
A.T.
Pheniix

ever since i start spittin lyric's an shyttin'em out//it was 4 years ago is what i'm talkin about//
i hate him//
yeah its my fuckin farther i'm gonna kill his ass//if i ever saw him again i promise i'll shoot his ass//
he left me//
no farther to fuckin love hold an hug//this mutha fuck steady on my nervs like a bug/
/he gets no love//
at court.. he looked me right square in my eyes//he told me didn't love me an he wish i would die//
well i am//
i bet he schemin how to stop me from breathin//well i'm schemin too... there will be nothin thats gonna stop me from killin you//
i don't love 'em//
i really hate em/
when i saw him in tha street he didn't even wave/he just drove right pass me like he didn't even reconize me//
starin right at me/
father he don't ever try to come an see me/ an he live 35mins tha next town right next to me//
i got my 5 sisters that even live in my state/but they come an see every fuckin day of tha week//
why my father treat me like this i don't deserve this shyt/i just one time i wanted him to go to parent work day an shyt//
but he didn't/
instead he stood me up lookin real dumb/an worst thing is that i'm his only fuckin son//
lookin at the bottle of Rum
i'm tha one that he suppose to be wit all tha time/i'm tha one that he suppose to football in tha yard//
but i'm not/
people might say i'm rappin like a black slimshady/but tha difference is i hate my father... he hates his mother//
now while i'm fatalizing n fantasizing that i got his death planned//even tho i don't like my father i will love him to tha end//


:gfy:

sorry about your father but wasn't really feelin this, rhyme was thrown off but like you said it's kinda old

i jus did a hate drop...and i gotta say yours didnt really carry no emotion....didnt get me....basic...see what you was trying to say..but wasnt executed very well...add some feeling.....pZ...

Yeah this was ok.....structure needs some work though i think, dont stretch your lines out so far, try keeping them around the same length so it flows good as well...I agree with Deva there really wasnt any emotion in this..but just keep at it.

structure needs work

try puttin more feelin into it

itl come out much better

add a lil vocab in the twist n shit can turn out nice

elevate

yeah thanx... ish is like a year old... yall can really tell for my other drops have posted... this is old...lol but yeah just wanted to see how this would live up to...

UPPIN...

Caesar On3

hhm, well all i can say is it can be improved..lets look at the good points first..well, to me it sounded quite like an eminem piece..you know? also kinda reminded me of Tupacs lines 'No love for my daddy coz the coward wasn't there' this is a good this to write about, a topic that contains a lot of hard emotion, you could take this to a level of your own..like you said, its an old piece, no doubt you have picked up on techniques since you wrote this..my advice to you is to rewrite this, using your origional concept, but using more multis and enhanced vocabulary..

dis was not bad pretty decent tho
fix ya structure den rewrite da song
it will be dope
keep elevatin!

i didnt feel it but could see what ya was aimin fo

Man, you need to elevate alot.......and get a dictionary to spell....it had eminem written all over it, no hate....as you mentioned, was older...the purpose was there but, just wasnt feeling it....o well

^^^^^
dumb ass fa real... need to elevate??? u havn't peeped my RECENT ish have you??? this piece like a year 1/2 old... lol... the purpose was i have no clue... son... kill your self for telling me to elevate... i've elevated higher then you... an still risin

Man, dont take it offensive, I was just giving my opinion...quote "No hate"...you kids get so defensive.......ne ways.....