Heart Out Of Chest

A Shattered Vision Fucks My Mind, Of Distorted Rooms
Fencing Demons Deep Inside, Internal Madness Broods
Painted Eyes Skip Across The Lid, Light Of Life Consumed
Walls Close In On My Heart, A Dank, Suffocating Cage
Girl In My Dreams, You Play The Part, A Pendulum Of Rage
Swells Within My Soul, An Ebbing Tide, Ever Of Liquid Pain
Washes Ashore, Bursts The Dam, Now Im Crying Even More
Tears And Ink Perform, A Dance Of Mocking, Laughing Swirls
Im An Empty Shell, Cant Be Like Before, Not Without My World
Throat Enclosed, No Air Flow Is Allowed For Me Today
Heart Saying Yes Brain Screaming No, My Vision Shifts To Grey
My World Is Now An Etch-A-Sketch Consisting Of Lies, And Hate
I Shake My Head ,Makes The Pain Die, But Visions Wont Evaporate
Remembering All The Good Times, Me And My Honey That Night
Fire Crackles, Her In My Arms, Everything Would Be Alright
But Then She Began To Yell, Bloodshot Eyes Wild And Alive
The LSD, Or Maybe Ecstasy, Either Way She Grabbed A Knife
A River Of Blood Runs From Me, Theres A Puncture In My Vein
One Was To End My Misery, The Other To Cause More Pain
As My Nerve Ending Screams, A Grim Smile Creeps Across My Face
Dieing Like My Dreams, Now With My Girl In A Better Place
Next To Me,Is My Only Love, Lungs Not Breathing Anymore
Im Lighter Now, Goodbye Earth Youll See Me Nevermore

You showed in this piece you got a real way of getting right into the emotions and atmosphere of what you write about. Using strong imagery, varied use of vocab and an overall ability to write about situations in a well dug out way, you really came good...

...okay, so at times you tailed off, over elaborating, letting the writing and emotions effect it (in a bad way). But that was only sometimes. And though you threw up a few cliches, they were used fairly well. And i usually don't pay attention to things being cliche anyway. So it's all good...

Liked the piece.

...resp....

^^i agree to tha fullest.~1~