i need a coach...feed on my verse

i would like a coach...shit some real help, i keep losing battles.
i started textceeing when i joined this site in november 2009
here is the most recent battle verse against "A pigs tie" aka .mime.


mime had to change his name cuz his set-ups are falling a-part
now he ties up pigs and has his way then finishes them off with a fart
if we organized a fight i would bring my gunz , you would bring your thumbs
you would like to be called thumb wars now coming from a clown who's a chat bum*
you cant spit real talk only text cuz your proffession doesnt allow it**
here bitch ill give you a dolla, now imitate some cow shit
i feel i should burn you but your lines will do it for me
the fire coming from your keyboard is like an arson becuz of my simile
its sad you have to hide your identity from all these nice people
jus cake on the paint to cover the embedded marks left from my fire wheedle


any feed back would be great

i record is 8-13 by the way

eh man i'm on my phone so i can't help much but it seems to me that you have concepts but maybe you ruin them just trying to rhyme if that makes sense lol in ur bars do you right the second line first which should be ur punch then try to think of a set up for the first line? if not they may be your problem cause thats what it looks like try doing that.like i said u have some alright concepts try rewording and flipping them better like this one


if we organized a fight i would bring my gunz , you would bring your thumbs
you would like to be called thumb wars now coming from a clown who's a chat bum*

this guys pussy, sure he throws punch's but can not land
you wanna be called thumb wars...but have never fought with your hands

something likw that throw a punch with some wordplay but more time into your shit man .if you got any questions or anything i can help you with i got you pm me

thanks for the feedback ht...
would like more feedback, who's next?

rize up

K....here weee go..

mime had to change his name cuz his set-ups are falling a-part
now he ties up pigs and has his way then finishes them off with a fart
this is just weak and dumb, no diss to him really lol. the set-up was okay but then the punch just lacked really any sting or anything of that sort.
if we organized a fight i would bring my gunz , you would bring your thumbs
you would like to be called thumb wars now coming from a clown who's a chat bum*
I didn't look at the * but this bar was pretty weak too, mehh.
you cant spit real talk only text cuz your proffession doesnt allow it**
here bitch ill give you a dolla, now imitate some cow shit
Weak bro, no sting, no hard punch towards him at all, why would he imitate cow shit, i mean....make it funny, but not dumb...
i feel i should burn you but your lines will do it for me
the fire coming from your keyboard is like an arson becuz of my simile
Better but still not very good. Get personal and use wordplay n shit like that man.
its sad you have to hide your identity from all these nice people
jus cake on the paint to cover the embedded marks left from my fire wheedle
Bad word choice and you could have shortened it up quite a bit, well tha punch anyway. Better try on this one.

There ya go...PM me if you need any tips or anything. I'm not like pro or nothin but im decent.