Hells Inn

http://climateprogress.org/wp-conten..._070706_ms.jpg

Hell's Inn
Its all new to him he is just surrounded
lights bright as the moons full harvest
and technology so advanced it makes him
feel like he’s his father, not a clue with computers
but no hes gone into a bliss to a new land
with all these cars he believes hes rich
what he doesn’t know is that his soul is here
but his body is still in the hospital still getting surgery

he died in a car accident because of DUI
thoughtless and carefree then and now
he feels the warmth of a thousand angels upon his shoulders
then suddenly hes pushed beneath the layers of his very skin,
he blinks, flames light up
lava and magma intertwine
suddenly Lucifer the terrible arrives in front
you have suffered a fatal blow to yourself
but your soul is gone unnoticed
but yet a family young and happy have died
yet you feel no guilt then and now
for that you must suffer

for feeling no remorse your sentenced
a decade of demise and suffering on end
I will torture your limps and mind until your irrational
you will lose all emotions, so your guilt wont be lonely
after your sentence you will go back to your former sanctuary
and then again be crushed down here for being heartless with no emotions
it is an endless circle of suffering for being so carefree

now let me ask you this
was it worth it?
will all this future pain be worth a bottle of brandy?
you had so many warnings and rules
yet you broke them without a care
why?
I have doubt the human mind for masterpieces
yet you’re the only one ive ever met down here
so welcome to my sanctuary and may it become yours too…

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6560915
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ar-361902.html

any comments please? 12 views and not one feed?

Its all new to him he is just surrounded
lights bright as the moons full harvest
and technology so advanced it makes him
feel like he’s his father, not a clue with computers
but no hes gone into a bliss to a new land
with all these cars he believes hes rich
what he doesn’t know is that his soul is here
but his body is still in the hospital still getting surgery

That was pretty good. I suggest using punctuation, it would help the readers understand what you write alot better. I didn't get the whole "feel like he's his father" bit. Can u just explain it to me?

he died in a car accident because of DUI
thoughtless and carefree then and now
he feels the warmth of a thousand angels upon his shoulders
then suddenly hes pushed beneath the layers of his very skin,
he blinks, flames light up
lava and magma intertwine
suddenly Lucifer the terrible arrives in front

That is just crazy scary lol...but it was a clear image.

you have suffered a fatal blow to yourself
but your soul is gone unnoticed
but yet a family young and happy have died
yet you feel no guilt then and now
for that you must suffer

for feeling no remorse your sentenced
a decade of demise and suffering on end
I will torture your limps and mind until your irrational

Not only should u use punctuation but re-read ur material before u post...it's limbs not limps.

you will lose all emotions, so your guilt wont be lonely
after your sentence you will go back to your former sanctuary
and then again be crushed down here for being heartless with no emotions
it is an endless circle of suffering for being so carefree

now let me ask you this
was it worth it?
will all this future pain be worth a bottle of brandy?
you had so many warnings and rules
yet you broke them without a care
why?
I have doubt the human mind for masterpieces
yet you’re the only one ive ever met down here
so welcome to my sanctuary and may it become yours too…

Nice ending...overall it was a good poem. Just touch up on punctuation. It painted a image in my head..so I got the clear picture. I can relate to it in a way, I had a cousin who died because of a drunk driver. But yea...good poem keep it up.

Oh and if u have a chance check out my verse in this topical battle. Stock-P chose the topic. My verse explains wut happened to my cousin.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...vs-377791.html

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Prestige

Its all new to him he is just surrounded
lights bright as the moons full harvest
and technology so advanced it makes him
feel like he’s his father, not a clue with computers
but no hes gone into a bliss to a new land
with all these cars he believes hes rich
what he doesn’t know is that his soul is here
but his body is still in the hospital still getting surgery

That was pretty good. I suggest using punctuation, it would help the readers understand what you write alot better. I didn't get the whole "feel like he's his father" bit. Can u just explain it to me?

---

i mean it like his father was a technosis, so he was not up to technolegy like his son, and now his own son doenst understand where he is...

and thnx for the feed, and i will read up on that.

agreed with the punctuation comment.

you have three different speakers in this... omniscient observer, 'lucifer' and the speaker... but nothing to distinguish the three. without proper punctuation or some other way of setting each apart... it can get confusing.

id actually prefer one speaker... i think you could strengthen the piece if it came through one voice... the outside observer telling the story as it unfolds... or lucifer watching and waiting then punishing... or the speaker at the end retelling minus the dialogue. using only one would allow you to develop the voice more. as it is now, its somewhat jumbled. to me, anyway.

good story... one that can definitely be felt by the reader... just needs some polishing

thnx again abiona,
ill try to use more punctiuation next time on these types of pieces, and i understand now what u m,ean by the 3 looks of it, i just thought thats what wud've been the unusuality of it.
but still thnx for the feed.