The Sixth Disciple: The Wrinkled Virgin

Sweat percipated down his throat as he waited
Diffusing into his dreams - his thirst satiated
He patiently waited as he fingers debated wheter or not
To open the door before his wrinkled brain forgot
The excitement adrenaline pumped through his soul

But he didnt know, blood clot rocked his neurons to let these sights unfold

He could feel his sanity untwine and unclothe
Soon spasms of orgasms explode and nightmares corrode
Into visions of women ripped from seizure episodes

His ears rang- the bell reminding him he was asleep
Change mingling in wrinkles that ran deep
His thoughts became mooroned alone in wet dreams
His fingers fiddledwith riddle of multiple combination locks
The steady beat of clocks, rocked their hands to a tick-tock

Looking down he saw the grim reaper lips kiss
And made out with his first and last moments of bliss
Its white enamled teeth still dripping with liquid
His voice groped a death note- his speech clearly pre-scripted

"Passion will vanish when the clock strikes twelve"
Without the love of god... may you drown in hell"

Decapitated his head fell- smell the aroma and kiss the floor
His vision fade as he debates wheter his soul his there anymore

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250690
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250776

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It's coming to my attention that these pieces are falling together or that they are all apart of one big story. Once again good usage of words to paint a picture, liking the fact that this isn't a " popped my nine dropped dimes" rhyme. Keep it up

uppin

Upping

toic was good...interesting
flow was smooth and strucutre was even
vocab was iight...i could viualize things
complxity was kind of here.......
obverall this was a good drop
keep it up.....peace

creative topic. Vocab was ok,could of stretched it to a higher level. Storyline could of been a bot better but interesting none the less.
Instead of starting numourous lines with "his" try using a describing word instead.

for instance..

vigulant ears rang- the bell reminding him he was asleep
Change mingling in wrinkles that ran deep
numourous thoughts became mooroned alone in wet dreams
shivering fingers fiddledwith riddle of multiple combination locks


Just adds more vision to your peice and at times more depth and emotion.

uppin

Upping

~Anyone wanna collab?~

Upping